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A jack of all asses.

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To be the best Internet jackass I can be and provide customers with unparalleled service in a completely non-sexual way.

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The content of this blog is a celebration of irreverence. Its purpose is to entertain, connect and serve as a forum for my ranting, grumbles and over-sharing. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of my employer, parents, grandparents, civilized society, most animal species or myself when not menstruating. Quite frankly, they are the product of a deeply disturbed mind. In short, this blog is not for human consumption. If ingested, induce vomiting.

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6 January 13

Did You Fall Asleep?

btothed:

Aimee and I went to a matinee movie, yesterday. Promised Land, that new Gus Van Sant movie with Matt Damon and John Krasinski. We were probably the youngest people there.

We settle in, Aimee leans over and rests her head on my shoulder, which is how she usually watches movies when we go to the theater. The movie begins.

About a half hour in, something smells … foul. Something smells … like fart.

Fifteen minutes go by, and suddenly, once again, totally smells like fart.

I look down at Aimee to see if she’s reacting to and smelling this also, but her head doesn’t move. Then I think about it and realize Aimee hasn’t moved from her spot since the movie started and wonder if she’s fallen asleep.

So obviously my next thought goes to, “Oh no. We had reheated burritos for lunch before the movie. She fell asleep during the movie. Got relaxed. And is accidentally farting. But she doesn’t know it.”

Don’t ask me why this was the conclusion I jumped to. This is just the way my mind works. She doesn’t even do this at home, so it’s not like there’s a track record for this. But this was immediately where my mind went.

I whisper, “Aimee, did you fall asleep?”

She shakes her head no.

Another fifteen minutes goes by, and more fart whafting through the air.

Again, I whisper to Aimee, “Did you fall asleep?” She whispers back, “Nope” and sits back up in her seat.

The smell of fart comes and goes another time or two before the movie’s over.

As we leave the movie theater, we’re talking about our thoughts on the movie and the music, and I finally say, “Man, it totally smelled like fart during that movie a bunch of times.”

“I know! It was the old people bad medication kind of farts, too.”

And that’s when it hit me - yes, those were totally medication farts. And I start laughing.

“So you did smell that, too?! I thought maybe you fell asleep and were accidentally farting, at first. I mean, we did have burritos.”

And Aimee lost it, laughing. I’m talking tears laughing. Which makes me laugh and go into snorts. “Why would your mind even go there?!” She was trying to figure out during the movie why I kept asking her if she was sleeping. She never could have guessed this was why.

For the rest of the day and night, during the Packers game, during dinner, while reading in bed before going to sleep … we kept asking one another, “Did you fall asleep?”

Yeah, we’re kinda odd. But we keep one another entertained.

And will probably forever associate Matt Damon with medicated elderly farts.

Bruce thinks I’m a movie theater farter, but I love him anyway.

Reblogged: btothed

  1. talesofaniceberg said: FAVORITE PART!
  2. aimee-b-loved reblogged this from btothed and added:
    Bruce thinks I’m a movie theater farter, but I love him anyway.
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