December 2008
Christmastime in Dysfunction Junction
Merry Christmas. Or rather, merry day-after-Christmas. I suppose if I were Canadian, it would be Boxing Day. But I’m not. So it’s neither here nor there, isn’t it?
I’m not a particularly religious person. In fact, I find large chunks of most religions to be dull and/or hokey – lest of all Christianity. Yet I celebrate Christmas. Go figure? Although, is being Christian necessarily a prerequisite...
“Boring damed people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people....”
– Charles Bukowski, writer, poet, cynic.
You, social media guru. Yeah, YOU. You're an...
You know what really pisses me off? When people try to attach some utilitarian purpose to the Internet. Like approaching Twitter as a means of networking or reaching consumers. Yes, I work in advertising, but I happen to think most advertisers are killjoy assholes.
For me, the Internet is my playground. I’ve been admonished more than once on appropriate behavior and how what I say, do and post...
The ex-boyfriend club
There must be something about my personality that attracts emotional fuckwits. Whether it’s my most recent ex, who the more I learn about him, the more I dislike him. Or my ex-ex-boyfriend who, despite having broken up a solid four months ago, still professes his undying love for me. I seem to go from pole to pole on the shitty boyfriend spectrum. On one end, there’s the noncommittal dickweed who...
The Kinks “Sunny Afternoon” makes me...
City and Colour “Sleeping Sickness”
...
A Letter to Nancy Grace
Dear Nancy Grace,
It appears as though authorities have found the remains of Caylee Anthony. While you undeservingly give yourself a pat on your precious little self-righteous back, I’m celebrating. Not because this unfortunate case may finally have some closure, but because now you’re forced to cover a new topic that you will undoubtedly dwell on for many, many months until it’s beyond...
A Letter to Governor Blagojevich
Dear Governor Rod Blagojevich,
I am writing to formally request consideration for the now vacant seat in the United States Senate. I would love to have the opportunity to represent the great state of Illinois on the national level. After all, it is the Land of Lincoln, and even though he was a Republican, he was a pretty all right guy. I too gush with all rightness.
First of all, I’ll admit that...
Each holiday season, my neighbor puts out a light up alien instead of Christmas lights. Apparently Xenu was born in December, too.
Poll title reads: “Vaginal Mutilation: For or Against?” The thought makes me squirm. I’d imagine in much the same way AFV makes guys squirm.
I lost a follower while in the shower. I’d make a joke, but I’m just feeling dejected.
Want to sit on Santa’s lap. Don’t want to wait in line. Think I’ll go to the bar, where grabby old men are SUPPOSED to smell like booze.
Told Yellow Dog to get her toy. Brought it back with a perturbed look on her face. Like I was the one who ripped off the toy’s ears and ass.
Haven’t changed my avatar yet today… * glares @joeschmitt * And @benmarvin hasn’t changed his socks today… * #febreeze *
For those who have to work late: Just tell your boss to stop punishing you for being heterosexual.
The only thing @benmarvin is impregnating is his keyboard.
So THAT’s Blagojevich. I thought CNN started airing reruns of Dr. 90210.
Changed my avatar for @benmarvin ‘s enjoyment and because I rather enjoy messing with @joeschmitt ‘s head. I’m a girl, that’s what we do.
I suck at Mad Libs. #twitterfession
It smells like Chinese food outside. In other news, I no longer have two kittens to give away.
Huh, Michael Jackson’s glittery glove is for sale. It’s seen more 8-year-old ass than Santa’s lap.
