February 2012
Bruce is putting the "Turd" in CaTURDay.
And that’s why he’s in the dog house.
Wherein I explain why I'm still wearing what I...
Bruce: I think you should take a shower and get dressed and we can go do things.
Me: What things do you want to do?
Bruce: I don't know. But I have AT LEAST an hour to decide.
1 tag
Being nice is exhausting.
I should probably begin with: I’m a nice person. I go out of my way to be. I make jokes. I tease people. But I’m willing to help when they need it. I ask how their day is going. From the president to the janitor. I find people are a lot easier to work with that way.
Today, they’re upgrading our sales and inventory system and it’s not going so smoothly. Everyone is on edge...
HALP! I need things that go together:
Peanut butter and jelly
Simon and Garfunkel
Abbot and Costello
Any others?
What's the polite way of saying "I MET YOU AT AN...
Rough day. System is down.
Buffalo Wild Wings for everyone. EVERYONE.
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Tom Brady seems like the kind of guy who names his body parts. Not just his penis, which he calls General Patton. Or his testicles, Meryl Streep and Susan Lucci. But he’s also given names to the cleft in his chin and his cowlick. They’re both named Pete Sampras, by the way.
I'm actually home before Bruce. I don't know what...
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Owen Wilson seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t always wash his hands after using the restroom. In fact, what drew him to acting is that, unlike medicine or food service, he wouldn’t ever have to wash his hands again. It’s his way of tempting fate. With germ-infested hands, every second is a brush with death. Really though, he’s just trying to rationalize the most half-assed form of suicide...
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Bronson Pinchot seems like the kind of guy who spends hours each day scouring the Internet for some reference of himself. He gets excited whenever he sees his name. So he takes a screenshot and sends it to his mother. Nice comments. Mean comments. Pop culture references. It doesn’t matter because it makes him feel like he still matters.
Hello, Mr. Pinchot. And Mr. Pinchot’s mother.
OHAI, queued posts. I forgot about you.
You’re swell.
*boop*
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Angelina Jolie seems like the kind of girl who’s repulsed by her own natural body functions. She’s overcome with an intense feeling of shame every time she has to use the bathroom. Like her body is somehow dissatisfied with the way she treats it and expresses its dissatisfaction through urination and defecation. She’s not just flushing a toilet; she’s flushing away a bit of her soul.
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Joaquin Phoenix seems like the kind of guy who would have a Real Doll made in his likeness. He’d buy a wardrobe for it that’s identical to his own. During dinner parties and family holidays, the doll sits in a place of prominence at the opposite end of the table from him. He likes to tell people that the soul of his deceased identical twin lives within it, but really, he just likes to make people...
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Alec Baldwin seems like the kind of guy who believes that intense, interrupted eye contact is the sign of a good conversation. He sees any discomfort as a sign of weakness. In order to gain his respect, you need to look him in the eye, without flinching or blinking, until the conversation is over. That’s why you should never enter a conversation with Alec Baldwin without a game plan and a friend...
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Channing Tatum seems like the kind of guy who rarely, if ever, thinks. Let me rephrase that – he rarely, if ever, LOOKS like he’s thinking. It’s not that he doesn’t think. He’s made a regular habit of thinking. It’s just that he finds “That thinking look” thoroughly disgusting. He’s spent years perfecting his imperceptible pensiveness, and currently dedicates an hour each day to refining this...
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Robin Williams seems like the kind of guy who masturbates a lot. Chronically, actually. Some people eat when they’re bored. He masturbates. To be honest, he doesn’t even like it. It’s just become a habit over the years. However, he still chuckles inside when he shakes someone’s hand. “If you only knew where that’s been, Buddy…”
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Brad Pitt seems like the kind of person who would offer to show you around next time you’re in town. Of course, when you finally take him up on his offer, he proceeds to drive you through the most economically depressed parts of the city. “That’s where [insert name here]’s barber shop used to be. Stood here for 40 years. His wife got sick and he had to sell off his business. She died. He killed...
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Jim Carrey seems like the kind of person who spent a lot of his childhood alone. He would try to play with the other kids. Staying a safe distance away from them at first. Then slowly moving closer. Unfortunately, whenever he’d get too close, the other kids would pelt him with fistfuls of sand. After the third round of lice treatment, his mom told him to just play with himself. And he did for many...
Baseless Opinion Thursday
Tom Cruise seems like the kind of guy who would quietly judge you as you stack the dishwasher. Afterwards, he’d question your reasoning. Why did you put all the spoons in a compartment together? Why did you put the bowls on the top rack? Why are the glasses touching? The next day, you’ll find half of what you’d stacked in the dishwasher sitting in the sink. Beside it, there will be a note: “I...
John Goodman in drag.
That’s who should play me in a movie.
Now that Gary Coleman isn’t with us no more. *pours out a 40*
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Kanye West seems like the kind of guy who locks himself in his bedroom whenever someone makes an interrupting cow joke. It’s gotten to the point where he avoids knock-knock jokes all together.
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Ryan Gosling seems like the kind of guy who makes love, not has sex. Not only that, but he insists upon cuddling afterward. He has it timed exactly – less than 20 minutes, and she’ll think I don’t appreciate her; more than 30 minutes, and she’ll think I’m needy. He cuddles for 24 minutes exactly.
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Zooey Deschanel seems like the kind of girl who would have some atypical animal as a favorite animal. She lives for the moment when someone asks her about her favorite animal just so she can say that she “Really loves pygmy tarsiers because they’re so little and cute.” When someone gives her that “Uh. Okay?” look, her heart swells because she has proven that she’s just as adorably quirky in real...
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Madonna seems like the kind of person who gets offended when autocorrect tries to change her name. “Madness? I’m not Madness. You changing my name to Madness is madness.” So she has her people contact Apple and demand that “Madonna” be added to the default autocorrect dictionary. Also, she texts in third person.
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Victoria Beckham seems like the kind of person who would totally ruin a trip to the zoo. She’d insist that you pause in front of every exhibit and take a moment to imagine you’re that animal– ripped away from your mother as she lay dying from a poacher’s machete, packed into a crate, smuggled across the ocean, sold to the zoo like a slave, and forced to live in the exhibit against your will. When...
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
George Clooney seems like the kind of guy who is “strictly blow jobs.” He has an elaborate flowchart of what sex acts correspond to what emotions. He doesn’t want his girlfriends to get the wrong idea, so he has it printed in a trifold brochure. No one has ever gotten past “sex with a condom and post-coital spermicidal douche.”
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Matthew McConaughey seems like the kind of guy who, like, totally has all kinds of thoughts, man. And emotions. Shit he has so many emotions he can’t even count them. There are THAT many. Like, if you stacked up all of his emotions, they’d reach the sun. And if you stacked up all his thoughts AND emotions? Shit. That’d reach the stars. Or he just smokes a lot of pot and enjoys the taste of...
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Jennifer Aniston seems like the kind of girl who would log onto her boyfriend’s Facebook account, read all of his conversations, and check out the pages of all of his female friends. She wouldn’t confront him directly, though. She’d keep all of this information to herself; letting it fester; letting it contaminate every happy moment they share together. Of course, when he asks what’s wrong,...
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
Gwyneth Paltrow seems like the kind of girl who is “missionary position only” not because of any religious connection or because she wants to gaze deeply into her lover’s eyes as he’s nailing her but because, simply, she doesn’t know there are other sexual positions.
Baseless Opinion Wednesday
John Mayer seems like the kind of guy who only dates girls who are dumber than he is, so he can still feel awesome when he misquotes Bukowski or talks about Nietzsche in vagaries that make it sound like he actually attended his Intro to Philosophy class that week or act appalled when she can’t tell the difference between a Monet and Cezanne even though he totally had to glance at the tag before...
“A year ago, Ohio ranked 48th in job creation. We trailed only Michigan and...”
– Ohio Gov. John Kasich, in his 2012 State of the State address. (h/t Emily Steiger for the submission)
“Wackadoodles”
(via discoverynews)
What I Want:
A warm blanket.
Dr. Ho’s magic zapper massager pads of SCIENCE!
A FIVE naps.
Bruce (used as a pillow).
World peace.
An explanation from everyone who voted for Rick Santorum.
A fistful of Midol.
ALL OF THE CHOCOLATE EVER, OKAY?!?
My back to stop hurting.
As I’ve said on every social media outlet I belong to, Bruce and I saw City and Colour last night. Or, more accurately, Bruce was kind enough to accompany me to see City and Colour. I know it’s not really his bag, so I really do appreciate him braving the cold and a late night to go with me.
Without going into a discussion about the music itself, this was therapy.
I remember driving home from...
Anonymous asked: How many periods do you have in a month? Seems like your always on it...
This is my one Whaaambulance ride for the day.
My back is absolutely killing me. I went to bed feeling fine, but woke up pissing myself with pain. This needs to stop, like, now.
I’m crampy. So, when my back isn’t stabbing me with pain, my uterus is. Thanks a lot, body!
I’m exhausted. This “staying out until 11” thing is ridiculous. How do these kids do it? It’s the drugs, isn’t it? These kids are all...
Every Coldplay song reminds me of a song by...